2 questions:
-When you are considering dating, should you consider whether you see yourself married to the person for the rest of your life? Is it too early? Especially if you're both Christian and you know that he'd be striving for that too and youre both approaching a "marriage age"?
-Also, what do you think about people "growing on you"? (you arent attracted to him right away...but as time passes you realise that he's alright!) Would you girls date someone hoping they'd grow on you cause he's a safe choice ie fits all your criteria but you just arent attracted to him for whatever reason?
Dontaa worry! I am not going through these situations! They have just been random annoying thoughts since ppl have been subtly telling me that i can now consider dating (thanks for the permission..! lol)
My thoughts on your questions.
ReplyDeleteDating and being in a serious relationship are two different things. Dating is when you're just getting to know someone without any real commitment or promises. Girls (and sometimes boys) often make the mistake of putting too much weight on a relationship too prematurely. Just because you are reaching a point when you want to consider being in a serious relationship, does not mean that you can fast forward the getting to know you phase with someone. At every point you should be evaluating if this is someone you can NOT see yourself in a future with. But don't expect the level of commitment of a husband from a guy you just started seeing. LIKEWISE, don't give that kind of commitment to a guy who isn't your husband or even your long time committed steady boyfriend. My mom always says "No rock, no talk". Ladies, the diamond ring is more than just a pretty accessory. It's a symbol of his promise to you.
Question 2:
I absolutely think someone can grow on you. Attraction is important. Deep mutual love and respect is better. In an ideal world, you would have it all, immediately. Thing is, attraction is often based on superficial things that don't stand the test of time. Not only looks. Could be success (good at school, good at worship team leading, good earning potential). Character is something that lasts. A man with character is someone who will continue to love, cherish, honor you even when he is down (not living up to earning potential etc).
Hope that helps
QE
QE,
ReplyDeleteThank you, this is really helpful!
"No rock, no talk" haha I love that, going to use it on my kids hahaha yes I was thinking too fast,assuming that if it's a yes for Q2, then we can skip the whole dating stuff and get serious right away cause we're both heading in the same direction (this is all hypothetical!)
I have wondered whether there is anyone out there...or if I'm just being too picky...or if I'll ever get married! I can see myself opening an orphanage instead...hahaaa
Q1: I agree with QE in that dating and being in a serious relationship are two separate things! I can see there being dangers in putting too much weight into a relationship right at the beginning, but I can also see where you're coming from: you don't want to date any old guy, you want to find someone that fits the criteria for a future husband. So I can see what you mean when you start to think about "could this person be the one" kind of early, because you want to think about whether the relationship is worth it. Sort of a dilemma, I suppose...
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I don't think you need to wait for "the rock" to start evaluating whether or not you see a guy being in your future. I think you absolutely need to have “the talk” about where your relationship is going before becoming engaged! But I think that naturally comes as the relationship becomes more and more committed.
“Especially if you're both Christian and you know that he'd be striving for that too ". I think this is a valid point, and even if it’s true that you’re both Christian and both striving, there’s also the matter of compatibility. Do you have incompatible conflict styles? (Some people clam up, some people lash out) Do you both agree on how your Christian values play out in real life? (There is still debate amongst young Christians on some issues like drinking, mild swearing, playing poker with friends, etc.) These aren’t deal breakers if you don’t agree, but they will be things that’ll have to be worked out in your relationship.
Q2: I think that it’s possible, but I also think that it’s really tricky. By “attraction” are we talking physical attraction, or even just attraction to the person as a whole? Let’s say you do start to date the guy, and you eventually become attracted to him (his looks, personality, mannerisms, etc.). Hooray! Now let’s say you do start to date the guy, and after a while you still don’t become attracted to him (in all the manners described above). You’ll have led him on for the time that you were dating.
It’s for this reason that I personally would not date a guy based on him being a “safe choice”. I think that if, during your friendship with the guy who fits all criteria, you begin to become attracted to him, then try dating. But I don’t think it would be a good idea to start dating and hope that the attraction develops. I absolutely think that someone can grow on you, but let it happen as friends first
HELLO :)
ReplyDeleteHere are my thoughts on it...
A1: I can't say that I am approaching that age. But if I were, I wouldn't date to date/date casually. I think that it would a waste of time just seeing someone to have fun and enjoy yourself, especially if you feel like you're reaching that age. I don't think I would "waste" my time with someone I don't see a future with. My friend said this at one point about a guy that she had been seeing(and she's maybe approaching that age): I don't see the end with this guy.
She might be with him forever, but I think it's a good sign that she seems to see herself with him for a long time. So I think that it isn't bad to date someone that you would consider marrying... until you realize that you no longer consider him... muhahaha. K sorry. But then I agree with C/QE, I wouldn't want to put too much pressure on the relationship. The way I see it, is that I would want to date someone I could maybe see in my future (or the kind of guy) to avoid wasting time, however I wouldn't want to let the need of "finding a husband" make me think/move too fast. As long as I know I'm not dating a person I'd not see myself with, it's all good :) But I wouldn't want to get my hopes up... (would be hard)
A2 I am somewhat in agreement, but then am tempted to say NO. How could he fit all your criterion but not be attracted to him!? Isn't one of your criterion BEING ATTRACTED TO HIM? jk.
But for real, it is possible, but I wouldn't get too close before being sure I'm attracted to him. (and not that I read the answer above me, it goes along the lines of what I wanted to say)...
You ARE leading him on and the safe choice in my "experience" is more of... a safety net/ it's flattering. What I mean by flattering is that most likely, he'll enjoy you, and he'll show it. Wouldn't that be "perfect"? A guy who fits your criterion and who treats you well/likes you? I would not see myself actually liking this guy without attraction. I think he'd be a good friend.
And again, if this IS about physical attraction, I would like to say and admit that, as much as I want a guy with a great heart, a compatible personality, love and commitment for God and much ambition in life, etc. I NEED to be physically attracted to him. But I think THAT is something that can grow. Attraction to him as a person will grow but not exactly in a right way I find... (hard to explain), but attraction to him as a physical being is something that can definitely grow on a person, ie their personality shines through them and makes them glow :)
But I think you might need to precise that Q2, WHY AREN'T YOU ATTRACTED TO HIM!?
Ps. CALL ME, we must have female talk. :)
(sorry if what I say may not make sense, it's late and I am not proof reading.)
xoxo i miss ya